we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
