Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
