I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
