when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
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