I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Just high enough for therapy.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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