Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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