i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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