I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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