I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Randomize
