My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
