I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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