Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
