the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
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