i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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