How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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