i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Randomize
