I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
