i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Randomize
