I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
