i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
