There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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