I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Randomize
