So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
