oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
