The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
