i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
