so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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