i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize