My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
