I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
