1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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