and you said cock pushups were impossible
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Randomize
