as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
