True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
