I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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