you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
