i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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