I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
