Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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