I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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