Jerry, you need to find god
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
