so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
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