uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
do herpes really smell.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Randomize
