Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
