It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I don't deserve a penis
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
