bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Randomize
