Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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