I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
