i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Randomize
