Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Let's paint friendship bongs
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Randomize