that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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