This girl is more easily done than said...
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
