I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
