I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
