What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
