the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
