If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Randomize
